I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We're too hungover to prance.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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