dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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