When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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