i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize