I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize