Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
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Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize