Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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