I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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