Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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