Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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