I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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