yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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