wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
