There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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