ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
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Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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