dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize