I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh god it's open bar.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize