break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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