apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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