There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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