apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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