and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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