You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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