I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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