Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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