My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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