So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
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Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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