Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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