Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize