Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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