You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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