is your mom at the bar?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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