They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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