May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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