I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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