Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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