Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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