how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize