I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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