I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
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