Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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