Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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