Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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