dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
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Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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