i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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