Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize