Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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