i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Boobs speak an international language.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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