Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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