She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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