Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize